I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
