Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
