The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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