moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
