They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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