ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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