3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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