what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Damn victory sex feels great
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
