Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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