It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
