You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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