I can't breathe out the right side of my face
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I touched a dick in church today
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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