if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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