so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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