well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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