I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
