Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
