I should be sponsored by Trojan
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
