Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
