Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if only i could text you this smell
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
