Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
