Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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