so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
