I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
