No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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