Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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