What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
