you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
