im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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