I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
