I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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