He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
