well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
