the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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