i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
