TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
