But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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