i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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