I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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