I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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