my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
