so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
