Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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