She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
