Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
