I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
