I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
