Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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