Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
