somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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